I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
O Wise One….
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.