@lucidchemistry

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

@lucidchemistry

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

@lucidchemistry

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

@lucidchemistry

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

@lucidchemistry

I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story

@lucidchemistry

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

@lucidchemistry

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

@lucidchemistry

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.