I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.