I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.