Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
You Might Also Like
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Who.
Did.
This?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Before & after 😅
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
jesus christ confetti not now
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell