sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.