*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”