Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?