Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
You Might Also Like
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
car not found