My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
me opening up to someone
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
some things should go without saying
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.