You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.