I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’