I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.