Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
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My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
A leaf blower, but for people.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
no regrets
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”