I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.