Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
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Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.