After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?