Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 馃檪
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.