@mack44_d

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

@mack44_d

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

@mack44_d

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

@mack44_d

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

@mack44_d

It’s not that I don’t love my family…

…but I do find myself flagging down white vans quite a bit lately.

@mack44_d

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

@mack44_d

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

@mack44_d

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

@mack44_d

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’