@mack44_d

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

@mack44_d

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

@mack44_d

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

@mack44_d

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

@mack44_d

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

@mack44_d

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

@mack44_d

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

@mack44_d

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

@mack44_d

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

@mack44_d

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.