@mack44_d
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
@mack44_d
@mack44_d
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
@mack44_d
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
@mack44_d
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
@mack44_d
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
@mack44_d
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
@mack44_d
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
@mack44_d
Her: ‘Dinner is in the crock pot.’
Me: ‘Nice – what is it?’
Her: ‘It’s like this ceramic slow cooker thingy.’
@mack44_d
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
@mack44_d
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.