@mack44_d

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

@mack44_d

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

@mack44_d

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

@mack44_d

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

@mack44_d

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

@mack44_d

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

@mack44_d

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

@mack44_d

Her: ‘Dinner is in the crock pot.’

Me: ‘Nice – what is it?’

Her: ‘It’s like this ceramic slow cooker thingy.’

@mack44_d

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

@mack44_d

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.