I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
It’s not that I don’t love my family…
…but I do find myself flagging down white vans quite a bit lately.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Don’t get angry…