Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.