@mack44_d

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

@mack44_d

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

@mack44_d

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

@mack44_d

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

@mack44_d

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

@mack44_d

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

@mack44_d

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

@mack44_d

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

@mack44_d

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

@mack44_d

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.