@mack44_d
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
@mack44_d
@mack44_d
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
@mack44_d
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
@mack44_d
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
@mack44_d
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
@mack44_d
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
@mack44_d
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
@mack44_d
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
@mack44_d
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
@mack44_d
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.