@mack44_d
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
@mack44_d
@mack44_d
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
@mack44_d
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
@mack44_d
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
@mack44_d
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
@mack44_d
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
@mack44_d
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
@mack44_d
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
@mack44_d
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
@mack44_d
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.