They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’