Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.