The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’