Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’