My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.