I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.