Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
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Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
dictator is short for richard potato
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Mornin. * use accordingly
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss