Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!