I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.