People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?