Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?