At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
This is I, Robot all over again
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.