If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
This is the best one I’ve seen