Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget


new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that


your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too


cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort


[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim


MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]


HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂


me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit


FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good


*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please