[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
You Might Also Like
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer