trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.