The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.