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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”