“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin