Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
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It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Natural selection at its finest
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.