My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
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My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Potatoes were such a good idea
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!