A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”