I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.