Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?