I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.