I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.