Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.