I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.