[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then