[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE