Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Oh, I bet you would be
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular