[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.